I Know Very Little About God
I know I met God in a prayer garden at 15 years old. I felt a power beyond myself, much greater than myself, and I knew at that moment I wasn’t alone after all. I know this.
I know my life is not unseen by God. He’s involved, sometimes it seems at a distance, but most of the time, I’m very aware of His loving, affirming Presence. I know this.
I know God was there when my second twin boy passed away. In this awful moment, there was a peace and a Presence beyond myself. It was somehow, Holy. I remember this. I know this.
I know God was there when my son with disabilities was sent home from the hospital to die. There was a holy hush on the home those days. I had a dream I can’t explain away. The dream then miraculously happened and my son is still with us today. I remember this. I know this.
I know that there is no reason I should ever have been a “preacher” of any kind or even a Christian. I didn’t even like Christians, and I still don’t like the mean ones. How did I go from a fatherless life with very little, probably destined for an early death or prison to a life with these five beautiful children? I know God saw me. He led me to a new course for my whole life. I see this everyday. I know this.
I know that when I attempted suicide at 16 years old, it was God who kept me from pulling the trigger. It could have been over right then. But instead I just wept and wept and remembered a scripture I had heard, “for I know the plans I have for you, a plan to give you a future and a hope, and a reason to live…” Maybe God had a reason for me to live? I wouldn’t know what that reas
on was if I ended my life, so I didn’t. Instead in that moment I felt a rush of hope and began to see the world differently for the first time. I remember this. I know this.
I’ve graduated from multiple bible schools, taught at many of them. I can break down most theological positions, (though I choose to talk more like a human, less like a nerd) I’ve studied and taught the Bible for over 25 years now. I’ve tried to reverse engineer the complexities of the Christian expression in America, which can leave me exhausted and discouraged at times. I’ve felt as though I’ve spent my life seeking God like a needle in the haystack of those who say they know Him.
I still KNOW very little, but the little I KNOW is beautiful.
God is good.